I wish I could say thriving in singleness was easy. But it’s not that simple.
Surviving
If I am going to talk about thriving I should probably start by at least talking a little bit about surviving.
It’s something we don’t often realize is happening. Everything you go to you are suddenly looking for the guy (or girl) that could maybe be the one; your first date, maybe even your future husband (or wife). It begins to weigh on us and soon we’re evaluating every person for that potential. We are trying our best to be happy single but it’s just not working. It seems like everything is either telling us we need to be in a relationship or that we shouldn’t be struggling to embrace singleness. There’s no in between, it’s like nobody knows what it feels like but us. There aren’t honest conversations going on about this. And that’s a rather isolating fact.
Reality
One moment we’re perfectly fine being single, letting time fly by, even being the only one that is single. Then we’re staring at the writing on the wall………. “It’s just a matter of time.”
Before we know it we have missed what society calls key milestones. We hit and pass age milestones but relationship wise we are still way behind according to society’s standards.
You’re perfectly fine being single then you realize that your friends aren’t. They are married or just about. (At least in my case.) Then you feel behind.
Before you know it, everything is changing. We’ve never had anything but friends of the other gender. Next thing you know people are sharing relationship advice, quotes and stuff like you’re about to get married. Meanwhile you’re still single and you’ve never even been on a date ever. You wouldn’t know the first thing about dating.
As far as relationships go you know things based on friends and family but nothing for yourself. You have a great guide book but it sets you up for the marriage side of the relationship and not the dating side.
The Bible
Now, I could give you a very legalistic view and tell you that struggling with singleness means you don’t trust God enough. But I don’t think that’s the case. I have found that getting closer to God can help. But I have also found that it can be just as bad.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him.” Genesis 2:18 (CSB)
You see, I find that this struggle can get worse. Why? Well it’s pretty simple really. When you get closer to God you become more like Him and more like what you were created to be.
Becoming what you were created to be is a process. I have found that as I grow closer to God being single only gets a small amount easier because I start to crave more than a relationship. I start to crave a God designed family. It becomes more than just a relationship. In fact I crave creating a God centered family more than a relationship. But is that a bad thing?
The thing is this shift isn’t inherently bad. That’s what makes this so hard and complex. The shift becomes bad when it becomes an idol to us. Just like it becomes an idol to us before the shift when we are surviving.
But what if I told you it doesn’t matter male or female that guide book sets you up for the marriage side and the dating side. We talk about how the Bible tells us how to be husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. But it doesn’t start when we say ‘I do’.
Ladies this is becoming more commonly known but Proverbs 18:22 says “A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (CSB). Men, the key things that go into being a husband and go into truly preparing for your wife are found in this wonderful library too.
The fact is because we have the Bible we can prepare now as we work to thrive in our singleness.
Reality 2.0
But then after a lot of work and growth with God you finally make peace with your singleness and feeling like you’re behind isn’t a recurring problem anymore, it becomes jealousy. You’re not jealous that so and so is with so and so. Instead you’re jealous and longing for what they have.
Whether you want to be jealous of that or not your subconscious is aware of the truth. Deep down you crave it. You try to push it away when it starts to bubble up because “you have to keep trusting and waiting on God”. But no matter how hard you attempt to stomp it away it doesn’t work.
It lingers, just like before. Except this time instead of it helping to get closer to God it’s not helping. You try and try but each time you are left wondering and comparing yourself to others.
Suddenly the comparison enemy has snuck into yet another area.
The Bible Round 2
What if I told you it’s not working for a reason, and it’s not what you think? It’s not about God’s timing.
The thing is we know in our hearts those relationships, the ones built on God and raising up the Lord to the highest place in the family are the ones we were designed for. That makes them an easy target.
We already aim for those relationships (and we should). Therefore they are precious to us and the enemy can make them targets for his cause because they are important to us.
We have to go to God. We have to tear down and rebuild the blocks that became this idol but this time we use the same materials to build it to God’s specifications, instead of building without reading the instructions past step one.
It’s like when we get a piece of furniture that we have to put together. We open the box and dump out all the pieces and the instructions come floating out. We look at the parts list and see we have it all. Then we read the first step and set it aside because it seems simple enough. We work so hard to put it together all without picking up the instructions again. Then we think we’ve got it done, but something seems off. The legs don’t line up quite right, it wobbles, and as it wobbles the top of the table kind of slides around. And the longer it’s like this the worse it seems to get. The thing is the longer we leave it like that the harder it will be to fix even with help.
That’s what we do with these relationships when they become an idol. We knew we were supposed to look like this and have it just right. We were sure it was right. But we forgot to check in with the instructions or better yet the designer to make sure we had it right. So now it’s misshaped and we’re just trying to figure out where we went wrong.
We have to deconstruct it and bring it to God because it is hard to fix even with help. But our God is a big God and He has the tools we need (and the patients to)!
Thriving
Thriving is a complex idea for anyone single to comprehend and in most cases it’s even hard for those that are in relationships. But what if I told you that’s because your perspective of thriving is wrong?
We can in fact crave these things and still be thriving. Our view of thriving is wrong.
Thriving means not looking for it. It means growing closer to God as we face each day.
We have a habit of setting a ‘bench mark’ this is what it looks like. But that’s not how it works. When something is this connected to growing closer to God it takes time and effort.
The fact is surviving and thriving are opposing ends of the same spectrum.
I wish this wasn’t a fluid thing but it usually is at least to some extent.
The day you stop surviving is the first day you step on the edge of thriving.
Thrive with God Instead of trying to Survive without.
Committed 2 Christ 
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