A Hug to the Despaired

Why do you write?

From my early moments of joining my writing community, the question “Why do you write?” was put forth and asked repeatedly. I always thought that my writing was a fun little exercise to scratch that creative itch and, maybe, for others to enjoy. But now it’s so much more than that.

At first, life seemed manageable at the tips of my fingers. I’m a teen looking for a job to please my family and fit in as “being successful”. I learn to drive, and complete my studies for school—including writing. But, to me, writing was always more than school, and I knew it could be more than just a hobby, so I dove into it. I learned what I could on the surface, but not quite really understanding it. I thought I was good—and left it at that. Yay me! Life is going smoothly.

Then I lost my job. 

That devastated me. I had prayed for a job like this, and it had come to me out of the blue by the Nursery Director at my church. She desperately needed help, so I offered. It was like God shoving treasure at my feet, and I fell in love with it! 

But it ended in a snap. I lost everything I loved working there—the toddlers, especially.

I’m grateful my friends stuck by me throughout my grieving. They took the time to listen and comfort me, but for the first time ever, I felt truly abandoned by God. 

In the meantime, however, my writing grew. My friend, who had more skill in writing than me, offered to mentor me and we started a five-book series together called the Dawn of Royalty. My brain exploded with how many things I still needed to learn. Before, I knew nothing about character arcs, story structure, stakes, and what concepts were. (Sheesh, and I thought I was good with just the basics! Humbled, guilty as charged.)

It changed my life! I’m amazed with writing and I love studying the craft now! And as for my depression, after I shared my hurt with my pastor, he helped me grow closer to God again. It didn’t quite fix it, but the fact that he and his wife took the time to comfort me, it was like a hug in my darkness.

Just when I thought things were getting better, they took a turn for the worst. I don’t understand why it happened, but to add on top of my depression, I had to move away. I moved away from the very people who helped me cope, and I couldn’t control it. I lost my job and my friends, so now I’m experiencing deep loneliness. None of my family is close by either, and I’m suffering through the climate adjustment. Yay…  My writing mentor and I are finishing our series, then we’re moving on to our own solo projects. That’s fine—good even, because I need to start writing on my own again—but it only adds to the loneliness. I’m experiencing numbness, grief, and like I’m not good enough. Nothing seems to bring any comfort, except the Psalms, songs, and pictures relating to grief. And they don’t necessarily fix my pain—in fact, they bring it to the surface—but it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one whom the world has cast out. 

I see now, in my loss, why there’s depressing songs—why people embrace the sadness and the darkness. It’s because they’re living it and they just want to be understood, validated, and that they’re not suffering alone. I want to write real stories now—not something I slap on paper and call it good, while not understanding what more it could be—and definitely not doing the hard thing to understand it. I gotta try. I want my stories to be a hug in the dark for others, because I’ve lived it. My writing isn’t about me, or what I can gain from it just to fit in with my successful family. Its sole purpose is for others. In my despair, all I ever wanted was a hug. Now I’m going to hug the despaired.

So that’s why I write. But I’m not the only one who can do this. We’re Christians in a world that is hug deprived. Maybe, because Christ called us to be lights, we can also be warmth and comfort in the dark.

Hey, readers! This is just a small announcement that starting next week, C2C will be switching to bi-weekly posts due to busier schedules. God is still working. May He continue to bless you and keep you!